Build Trust Before the “Ask”
Why You Should Always Build Trust Before the “Ask”
The following is adapted from Don’t Be a Stranger.
Not every business transaction requires a long trust-building process.
If you need a screwdriver, you can drive to the hardware store right now. You don’t have to set up lunch with the screwdriver salesman first. (Thank goodness!)
However, much of life involves relationships with higher stakes than a screwdriver. Maybe you need to hire someone to help you find a house, fix your business, or defend you in a lawsuit. Maybe you need to hire a coach to get you to the next level or someone who can get your finances in order. When the situation matters, you absolutely need trust.
Trust is the foundation of any good relationship. That’s especially true when it comes to business. Inevitably, the time will come when you have to ask your connections for help, and when that time comes, you’ll be much more successful if you’ve already built trust.
In strategic relationships, trust should always come before the ask, not after. Here’s why.
Trust Improves Even the Most Transactional Business
I know that I said you don’t have to have lunch with your local screwdriver salesman, and it’s true. You don’t. But for me, purely transactional business feels like the speed dating world, impersonal and miserable. I don’t really like it.
I’d rather go down to the local hardware store and talk to the owner. She’ll walk me through the choices, the bits, and which screwdriver will suit my project the best. If I pay a little more for a human experience, that’s fine with me.
Trust-based relationships improve even the most transactional business. My local hardware store has made money answering my questions better than its big-box competitor.
Humans are social creatures, just like dogs. We have to smell each other a bit before we’re confident enough to do real business together. We want to go through the process and get comfortable being smelled.
I’m sure that trust did play into my local hardware store owner’s decision to stock a certain kind of screwdriver. There are probably hundreds of companies that sell screwdrivers, so when the screwdriver salesman went to the hardware store owner, trust probably made all the difference.
The store owner wants to make sure she’s getting good value and a good product, and the salesperson wants to make the sale over and over again. Trust—and the mutual investment in building a good relationship—generate successful outcomes for both parties.
Trust Makes the Relationship Productive
When it comes to business, your relationships have to be strong enough to support the “ask.” I would never go up to a business person I’d just met and ask for business. Relationships that begin with “what can you do for me?” feel wrong. They feel grabby and gross, and that’s not how I do business.
When a business relationship reaches a certain point, though, where trust and amiability have already been earned, suddenly the relationship becomes productive in a very particular way.
I’ll be sitting with a business friend eating bread or having a glass of wine, and part of the conversation naturally turns to, “All right, man, how are we going to take over the world together? What have you got?” He tells me what business he has for me, and then he asks me, and I tell him.
A productive business relationship absolutely starts with breaking bread, him helping me, me helping him, and shared time. As the relationship develops, it can become more transparent and direct. But only after you know that the other person is looking out for your interests as well.
Trust Helps You Make Stronger Asks
Part of strategic relationship building is knowing when and how to ask, and to a large extent, that knowledge only develops after you’ve built trust. A stronger relationship can support a stronger ask. You should always establish the rapport first. Then, tailor your ask to the level of rapport.
If I’m in a situation with a meeting that’s unexpectedly turned chilly, I’ve been known to ask and get out. In a situation where I’m there because I have a warm buddy or friend relationship with someone, I’ll make my ask more personal.
You’ll get better at matching the level of asks to the level of relationship over time. If you under-ask, the relationships will end up feeling unproductive and unmoored. If you over-ask, people will say no, and sometimes walk away. You’ll have to develop a feel for how and when to ask through experience. I generally tend to focus first on how I can be helpful and ask later.
Relationships—if you pour into them over time—can pay big dividends. You can rely on your network to help you out. You won’t get that kind of result, however, if you don’t put the work in at the beginning to level the relationship up.
The Point of Life is People
A lot of people are so focused on what they can get out of a situation that it sours the relationship. But the point of life isn’t transactions; it’s people.
I spend time establishing rapport and helping people. I put relationship cash in the bank as generously as I can before I ever think about taking anything out. I expect the universe to take care of me in return and it does.
I fundamentally believe that most people want to help other people. We can be so afraid of asking for help because none of us wants to be that gross pushy sales guy. If you’ve built a strong relationship, however, it can withstand the ask. It almost requires the ask. When you have trust in place, people show up.
For more advice on building trust before the ask, you can find Don’t Be a Stranger on Amazon.
Lawrence Perkins founded what is now SierraConstellation Partners at age twenty-nine with few connections and very little capital. Lawrence grew SCP into a nationwide management consulting group serving nearly 100 large companies in their times of most dire need. Today, Lawrence is a recognized industry leader who’s spoken at major industry conferences and has been cited by the Wall Street Journal, the New York Times, CNN, CNBC, and the Washington Post. Outside of work, Lawrence has built a remarkable life with his wife and daughter that includes interests ranging from reading and writing, singing and dancing, to cooking and running.
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